Friday, August 12, 2011

Not Feeling It

Satisfaction, that is. Ain't got no.

It's back to work after the weekend and I can't figure out what I did with the summer. It has come and gone, that is obvious enough. The plums in the front yard are weighing down the branches and will be ready to pick by Monday. The buttercups are gone and there are just dried stalks left, snapping over the mossy grass in the fields where the sheep are all nearly grown.

The white swans are less hostile, but in some ways, the gray flock of juveniles is even more intimidating.

And I was supposed to end the summer with a finished libretto in my hands, a renovated kitchen and hall, and a strong body - one ready for the marathon (now just one month away).

Instead, my ankle is complaining, I'm slightly anemic and some of the aching has returned to my joints. I have a couple of hand-written pages of brainstorming in place of a finished libretto. And the house? The house, which was supposed to be nearly finished, is still in chaos. The hallway half-painted, the kitchen still with exposed electrical wires and a great hole in the wall where we tried to pry the old tiles down.

I want to run away and sit on a beach in the Mediterranean with a book and a drink. I want a vacation - now that it is over.

I am trying hard to stay in the moment. To revive my negativity fast, focus on the insanely busy year I had, and sort of break off my year in something besides seasonal chunks when I evaluate my accomplishments.

I haven't done sh*t for the last 7 weeks. I seriously cannot account for my time: television, social networks... I haven't learned to cook. I haven't planned an herb garden. I haven't come up with a viable plan for world peace or one for the utilization of the little slivers of soap that accumulate on the ledge of the bathroom sink.

While the world has turned and the sun bounced up and down on the horizon these long summer nights, I have squandered it: it being sun, summer, free time...

It's already 10:30 on Friday and I haven't yet run or swum. I haven't organized the basement or the office as I have sworn to myself to do every single day the last two weeks.

The plums are almost ripe!
After finishing yesterday's DM virtual 4M.
Finish line: my front yard.

(No I don't wear make-up when I run.)
Can I pack a summer of satisfaction into two days?

The sun is out today. I have the car, a clean bikini, unread books and a picnic basket.

Maybe I need to start packing.

What does "free time" mean to you?
Is it to be squandered or do you feel an obligation to fill it up with stuff you can point to as accomplishments, or evaluate in terms of productivity?

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  1. I can SO relate to this! Sounds like me, wishing for summer, not doing much once it's here, and then regretting it once it's over.... But still, sometimes you just need to do nothing, or do whatever you want in that moment, although it is not what you had planned to do. That is the beautify of vacation after all. :) But yes, I don't feel like I've taken as much advantage of the summer as I should have....

  2. Make today a great day and forget about the rest! :)

    Jen - Runner...maybe

  3. I would say that I do this alot, big plans than I feel as if I do nothing. I totally understand it. I like the above comment, the past is gone so what, make the future great!

  4. I took a day off work yesterday - a whole day of freedom to do what I wanted. And what did I do? In the end I had to fight with myself not to go in to work because I didn't know what to do. But I did wash my car so it wasn't a totally wasted day.

  5. It's so easy sometimes when you have a To-Do list a mile long, to relax and feel that every minute does not need to be filled with action.

    I know how you feel about the house though. Renovations can be the worst because the place where you are supposed to be able to go and escape the chaos, is actually really chaotic.

  6. We put so much pressure on ourselves to check things off our list, fill the bucket, whatever. I'm such a procrastinator and I'm working hard to change that. Sometimes i think it's fine to just be present and enjoy the moments we have, productive or not.

  7. I'm guilty of filling it up! I'm sure we have all at one time or another, and probably more than once, felt like you're feeling now. We're way to hard on ourselves. We know that and yet we continue to do it.

    Hope all is well with your ankle.